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I am monogamous and have been dating my boyfriend who identifies as straight for just over a year. He told me he had a strict “no contact with exes” policy when we first met. Due to sketchy behavior, lies, and gaslighting on his part — regarding contact with his ex-girlfriends, open dating profiles, and several private Instagram accounts — I checked his phone and my suspicions have been confirmed. He didn’t cheat but there were inappropriate messages for which he apologized. He’s blocked all of his exes and is now on the straight and narrow.

When I checked her phone, I also found strange messages to one of her male friends. My boyfriend sent this guy some nudes and videos of him having sex with other women. (This was before we met.) There were also posts detailing how much they admired and missed each other’s cocks, and my boyfriend said he wanted to fuck other women with his friend. When I asked him about his relationship with this man, he said they were just good friends and that kind of sexting was “something straight people do”. I don’t think any of my former straight boyfriends have ever talked about missing other guys’ cocks, but this is the first boyfriend I’ve ever checked the phone for shenanigans. Is this something straight people do?

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I don’t care if my boyfriend is bisexual, but I don’t want anyone to lie to me. And I really don’t want to be the crazy girlfriend, but my boyfriend had framed pictures of this particular guy in his house that I had him take down. I also asked him to cut off all contact with this man. It’s fresh in my mind because we ran into this guy the other night. They kept talking to each other about how beautiful they both looked and my boyfriend was visibly nervous the whole time. Is my boyfriend telling me the truth? Do straight guys who have no sexual interest in their friends send them pictures of dicks? My boyfriend is in his mid-forties. He knows I’m bi. The “no contact with exes” rule was his idea, not mine, and I think this guy counts as an ex and should stay blocked. Do you agree?—Straight men exchanging lusty long texts that exude sexual tension

Your boyfriend made the rule – no contact with exes (not even eye contact on the subway?) – but at some point, after the lie and the gaslighting, you became the enforcer: fumble into his phone, ordering him to block his exes, take framed down photos, etc.

He was apparently willing to ignore your spying, SMELL TEST, since you’re still together. And you were apparently prepared to ignore the mountain of incriminating evidence you found on his phone. While you stuck to his “no contact with exes” rule from the start, he exchanged texts, sexts and photos with his exes all the time, lurked on dating apps and maintained multiple Instagram accounts. You concluded he didn’t cheat on you – he just broke his own stupid rule – but in my experience, “rules for you, not me” types are rarely very good at honoring monogamous commitments on the long term. I’m not saying he’s ever cheated on you, but if never being cheated on is important to you…he might not be the guy for you.

As for her assertion that exchanging dick pics and compliments are things straight people do…

I haven’t had a chance to snoop on Harry Styles’ phone, SMELLTEST, so I can’t say for sure that no straight guy has ever sent another straight guy his dick pics. (Or spit on another straight man at a movie premiere.) And seeing as how many straight men enjoy playing “gay chicken” these days (and posting the videos on TikTok), it stands to reason that some straight guys can trade dick pics and tongue-in-cheek messages about how badly they want each other’s dicks for lols. But I don’t think that kind of behavior is common among straight people, especially straight people in their 40s.

My hunch is that your guy had and enjoyed a few MMF threesomes with this guy before you met, and it was in that context—with a woman in the room to heterosexualize any accidental homosexual contact—that he came to appreciate the his friend’s cock. Considering you’ve been digging through his phone long enough to find every dating app he’s on, every message he exchanged with ex-girlfriends, and all those fake Instagram accounts, SMELLTEST if he’s bisexual , you would have probably found the messages he sent to other men and his Grindr, Scruff and Sniffies accounts too.

If this friend is the only guy your boyfriend has ever had sex with, TEST SMELL, if this guy’s cock is the only cock he’s ever wanted to push past his tonsils, your boyfriend is free to s ’round until it’s straight. I also don’t think messing around with this guy makes them “exes” in the romantic/lovely sense of the word, and I think you should let your boyfriend put his picture back together.

Finally, SMELL TEST, what the two of you do—that guy with his no-contact rules about exes and lies, you with your spying and demands to take pictures—seems so exhausting. Is it a relationship or a police state? If he manages to stay monogamous and gets paid for swapping dick pics with an old friend, what’s wrong with that? Why not leave that to him? And if the guy was hot…why not let them both have you?

PS I hope those videos you BF sent his friend of him having sex with other women were taken with the consent of those other women and that he had their permission to share those videos with his friend.

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