I spend half my life trying not to offend people. My safe space is the comments section here on my blog where the only social rule is: be interesting. I am especially grateful to people who disagree with me; it’s out of control for me to chase after someone by arguing with them in person, but in the comments people think: she’s so reactive!
While reading the comments on my last post, I saw this comment.
“I have been married and divorced twice. I don’t consider this a failure… My life isn’t perfect but it’s damn good and I’m running my own boat. My home and my life are serene. I fill it with things I want to do… Having a partner is overrated if you’re not happy.
Only an autistic would say that. Having a partner is absolutely NOT overrated. Running your own ship IS overrated. Wanting to do whatever you want at the cost of compromising to share your life with someone else is the definition of autism… The human race would not have survived if it was normal to want these things.
[I had] a narcissistic/borderline mother who made emotional chaos normal in my childhood… So I chose two husbands where emotional chaos was normal. Then I got tired of feeling emotionally drained and walked out. Since then, I have been sailing carefully to protect my serenity. I am back in therapy now to expand my thinking on this and more. I don’t think I’m autistic.
I answered: You are autistic. Here’s why:
Self-analysis is autism
Just because you can spit DSM doesn’t mean you aren’t autistic. In fact, analyzing ourselves as a hobby is a marker of autism – we are constantly trying to figure out how the world works and how comfortable we feel. Because in fact, we can’t do any of those things. And the real reason we are out of phase is because our brains are blinding us to ourselves. We clearly see others but we do not see ourselves.
But wait, all that analysis comes at a cost. People with autism are better writers than everyone else because we spend our lives memorizing dialogue and replaying it in our head trying to figure out what just happened. In my writing class, I’ve never seen an autistic woman write bad dialogue – she’s been practicing in her head for too long to ever miss a beat.
Borderline personality is autism
So many women with autism think they’re not autistic but “just getting over a mother who has borderline personality disorder.” But autism and borderline personality disorder often go hand in hand, and scientists believe that borderline personality disorder is so similar to autism that it’s another autism spectrum disorder. Borderline personality disorder is mainly caused by a mother with borderline personality disorder and autism; his erratic parenting causes his autistic daughter to develop borderline personality disorder.
Narcissism is Autism
Narcissism and autism are so similar that scientists think narcissism might be a subset of autism, so we might just drop the category of narcissism from the DSM.
There are many published articles explaining why narcissism is part of autism. You don’t need to know all the research, but you should know that if your therapist has diagnosed narcissism in your parents or spouse, it’s because the therapist doesn’t understand autism, and you you have, and the therapist cannot help you.
Divorce is Autism
When the commentator writes that she has been divorced twice. It’s probably because she decided men had a problem (narcissism) and she had a problem (raised by a mother with BPD) and felt depressed. But depression is part of autism no matter who we choose to marry, and staying married protects against the worst of depressions.
Autistic marriages are likely to end because we have the most emotionally compromised dating pool. If you’re not autistic, you sort out people who violate all social rules about dating. So people with autism end up with a dating pool with each other, and we don’t even notice there’s anything wrong.
Loneliness is autism
That is, until the honeymoon glow turns to marital glow and loneliness seems hard to separate from the choice of spouse. I did this. But once you’ve divorced, you’re bound to diversify your ideas about loneliness.
I used to think that loneliness was something I had because I wasn’t around enough people, and that’s why I feel less alone when I write on my blog. But I discovered that loneliness is a neurological disorder. Loneliness is not caused by a lack of social support. Loneliness comes from chronic illness or social anxiety. And the only way to start feeling less alone is to first acknowledge that it’s an autism thing.
interest is autism
So, yes, I think the commentator is autistic. She must be really interesting to have appealed to her ex-spouses because she – like me – is totally interested in her own affairs. So we are magnets for people who love interest. And wanting life to be interesting is not normal. There are higher values than that. But not for us.
No wonder adults with autism know more about autism than mental health professionals. And if you want to know if you have autism, don’t ask a professional. Ask someone with autism. And if you want your life to improve after finding out you have autism, talk to people who also know they have autism. You get very smart about yourself very quickly once you have this tag.
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